LIQUOR IN THE FRONT...
In the world of innuendo, most of us are familiar with the comedic styles of, "said the actress to the bishop” or "that's what she said!” However, not everyone has heard or seen Swiss Toni, a popular character on 90's British TV who appeared in two different sketch shows before getting his own comedy series.
"Swiss” was a used car salesman who frequently advised his junior by explaining how various activities in life could all be compared to "making love to a beautiful woman.” You can find most of his work on YouTube, but what you won't find is, "Texas Holdem is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.” Allow me to be your guide...
First you have to find where the game is at (no limit is the obvious choice), before parting with some cash to show that you're a serious player. Sure, a freeroll is nice, but there's a lot of competition. Decide what you're goal is. Are you looking for loose players, or do you prefer a tight game? Remember, in a ring game there are fewer rules.
After you buy in, it's all about your stack size. Before the game gets interesting your stack may look much like all the rest, but if you can grow it to become the biggest, you'll become irresistible. Chances of success with a short stack are far fewer. When there's a lot of bluffing going on, all that really matters is that your junk is better than your rivals'. If there's a disappointing flop in front of you, consider shoving with a semi-bluff.
An ace in the hole may look like you'll get to the promised land (a top pair is always nice), but if you limp someone with a better position could already be planning to squeeze (well, it is called Holdem). Of course, you can come over the top with a limp-reraise, but it's not always a winning strategy (having the balls to push hard is not the same as having the nuts).
If she asks whether you're going to raise it up some more, announcing that you've already moved all in will probably lead to disappointment – you may need to invest in an add-on. Next time, try representing something more, before she starts looking for a stud game, leaving you out of position with nothing more than a nice hand.
A few more warnings:
The wisdom of straddling may depend on your position.
Even in fast company, there's no excuse to slow roll.
If you hit and run, that's poor etiquette, but worse is using a hole cam without permission, which will likely result in a freeze-out (at best) and possibly an unexpected cut-off.
Even if you're a little old and rusty, you can still be a winner. However, a word of warning – if you keep coming first, Lady Luck will eventually leave you (she's definitely polyamorous). Also, nice guys come last (said the guy doing the walk of shame).
On your route to the laydown, don't splash the pot or whinge about paying for the kitty, and if you're on the receiving end of a suckout, never complain (see also, poker face.)
Finally, for those grinders who prefer to play a rainbow flop, you may be inclined to ask, "what have you got behind?” before going for your backdoor draw. Just remember that it could be game over if you're caught bottom dealing.
Apologies, everyone – I could hardly recall this week's events after I fucked myself in the break.
"Must try harder!” (that's what she said...)